News

"At the age of 10 months he weighed 6 kg, did not sit, could not crawl or roll, only lay on his back, raise his legs and if he cried, did it very softly. He did not talk and he prefered to be alone."

Our way crossed with that of 10month old Kārlis in 2000. Some time earlier I had divorced my husband. Together with my four daughters I moved to my aunt’s house in the countryside and about half a year later my friend Juris joined us.

Juris was taking my elder daughters to school by his car. Once on a chilly January day he was stopped by a woman with a small child in her arms . She had run away from hospital because she had heard that the baby would be taken away from her because of her poor health condition. For a couple of nights the woman had lived in staircases and fed the baby with pieces of bread. He could only suck them as there were no teeth yet.

The woman hoped to get some shelter at an old acquaintance’s and Juris took her to the named address but there some other people lived. There was no other way but take her and the child to our place. We were having tea and considering what to do. The child had high temperature, the woman was exhausted. We made a bath for her and put her to bed. We hoped that night brings counsel.

It was true. Guna’s legs were very swollen, I gave her my biggest boots but she could hardly walk – she staggered and dashed into doorposts. It turned out that she had serious kidney problems, the reason she had to be regularly joined to the system in hospital. We told her that there was no other way but to continue medical treatment. At first she wanted to take her child and run away, however we convinced her that we would not give the child to anybody – she must get well and come and take her child. Juris took Guna to Stradiņi (hospital).

Kārlēns (Charly) was a feeble baby. At the age of 10 months he weighed 6 kg, did not sit, could not crawl or roll, only lay on his back, raise his legs and if he cried, did it very softly. He did not talk and he prefered to be alone. At the beginning I wanted to sing lullabies at his bedside as I used to do for my children, however it alarmed him. Probably he had got used to being put to bed and then left alone. A warmer hugging was also alien and he tried to push away. It was a strange feeling – you want to help the baby, give him warmth but he turns away.

However in the company of small and caring girls it was difficult to stay detached for a long time. My daughters sang to Kārlēns, they exercised him, fed him, took him around in a pram. We all played together. I regularly massaged him as I had been taught.

After about a month I visited Guna in hospital. She was not well, therefore I talked to the doctor. He said that Guna had a year, at the most two years left. I told about the child and mentioned that I could adopt him. The doctor tried to dissuade me from it – nothing good could be expected: bring up as you will, genetics is of a great significance. Better hand him over to children’s home.

How could I do that? I and my daughters had already become attached to the child, besides I had promised to Guna to look after him until she got well. Juris acted more rationally and pragmatically. He found Guna’s sister and asked her to take Kārlis under her wing. However she refused – she had her own children. Besides this child was not the first one Guna did not know what to do with.

Then Juris went to my mother and complained – looking at my daughters one can see that every couple of years I start to long for a child. During three years I had not given birth to a child therefore I wanted so much to take Kārlis. Let my mother persuade me to become reasonable!

Most probably the baby was the last drop in our complicated relations, so I stayed alone – in the countryside with five children.

 Guna got a bit better and I took her to settle disablement so that she had at least some money. However the woman had no place where to live, therefore I did not give Kārlītis yet.  A couple of times Guna visited Kārlis at my place, but inbetween she lived at different acquaintances or was in hospital at the system. Having understood that she would not be able to bring up the child she gave her consent to my guardianship. So my long-time desire to take a child into my family came true.

Soon we moved back to Riga where Kārlis started occasionally to attend kindergarten but I could return to my work – writing articles to a magazine, teaching at school or translating books. That was possible only episodically because the child frequently got ill. Mostly I had to work nights because my daughters attended music school and I had to follow their practising.

Must be admitted that Kārlēns was gradually catching up with his peers. In order to avoid listening to nagging on his bad feeding and different pieces of advice how to bring him up properly I started lying about his age. If I named his age as one and a half years less, everything was OK! Nobody commented – why he is so small and why he speaks indistinctly?

Kārlēns was rather nervous, slight, his fingers – not deft, his speaking – indistinct, he slowly arranged letters into words, therefore I took him to school a year later. Possibly thanks to the fact that from the very start we were singing a lot and he heard musical instruments played by his sisters – violin, clarinet, piano and bassoon, he developed a good ear for music. We chose Dārziņa music school for him where he learned percussion instruments.. From the very beginning I felt that he did not quite fit in an ordinary school environment – both among schoolchildren and even adults. While he was still small, it sometimes cause amusing situations: the teacher said ,”Don’t be afraid, Kārlīt, this uncle will be your accompanist.” Looking at the elderly man the boy said, „Never mind, I have seen much more fearful mummies.”

Schoolmates teased the boy because he then bacame very entertaining – he made faces, cried, waved his hands and was turning round and round overcome with confusion. In the middle of the first form I moved him to Valdorfschool where the so called marginal children are approached with a bigger understanding. In the first forms it was quite usual that Kārlis in the middle of a lesson just left the class, sat down in the corridor and wept. The teacher or the director usually tried to sooth him and asked to return to the class. If they did not succeed they phoned me. More often than not only I could manage to distract him from speaking about „ hell, not school which should rather be burnt down and in which I will never learn any more” and persuade him to return to the class. Only later I understood that a lot of the boy’s peculiarities can be observed in those children whose mothers have been drinking alcohol during their pregnancy. Guna died when Kārlis was 2 years old. Later he used to point where he saw his mummy sitting on the edge of a cloud.

At the age of 11 Kārlis started to learn playing the trombone. Some time later he went in for karate and started to play theatre. He was growing, a bit naive though kind and reasonable, but with an alternative view of life. Still  small he called himself „a friend of life” meaning that he loves it and is happy about life. At Christmas he called our decorated home  - the house of Christmas joy.

Now being 16 he is full of optimism, willing to share in different narratives and observations. He is preparing for the examinations of the 9th form, after which, hopingly, he will continue studying music. He wants to become a rock star – yes, he has his head in the clouds, a king of different illusions and unrealizable dreams. He must be nudged almost incessantly and still is able to get up independently at any time in the morning by alarm clock, get dressed and go and turn to his duties. Returning from school, even before taking off his clothes, he would dandle his smaller brother about whom there is another story...

Four years ago I decided – I must have a foster family. As an astronomer with a diploma after 20 years of „downtime” I could hardly expect to meet someone who might need me. I could not find a sphere which I was really interested in whereas I had quite a big experience of bringing up children and besides I wanted to support somebody small and helpless. At home there was plenty of cosiness and activity.

I  finished foster family courses, got the respective status and on the 3rd day after it there was a call – at Pļavnieki crisis centre there was a 4 month old boy with alcohol fetopathy, a diagnosis sustained by children carried by mothers with alcohol addiction. As the baby had already been staying at the centre for a longer time, I was asked to take him the next day, otherwise he would have to be taken to the children’s home. I asked to give me 10 minutes, read about this ailment in the Internet and agreed.

Next morning I with 13 year old Kārlis went to fetch the small brother. I was laughing – if he were a bit smaller, I would think about how the babies turn up: just go and take it home by trolleybus. The baby was dressed in the clothes provided in the centre because his old ones could be taken off only by soaking and scraping. Two weeks ago in the midnight during the mother’s „party” the police found him – left neglected and parched in his clothes.

For the first three days Vladimir did not smile, only remotedly watched. He had shrinked into himself, probably to contemplate on what life had offered him so far.  Then he started to notice us, smile, catch hold of us and let not go. He was very nervous, we could not put him onto the bed either during the day or night. He slept only for some 15 minutes at a time. He ate very little, even lost his weight. A friend of mine gave me a book about alkohol fetopathy. It was my main solace because the baby’s behavior was just as described in the book. Besides the classes of the support groups arranged by Social service agency also gave me a lot. In these classes there were experienced people and psychologists who helped find solutions for different problems.

I took Vladimir to gymnastics, massage, bubble baths and swimming. At home I had to carry him about, even while cooking ( therefore he already knows  what must be taken from the fridge, e.g. for making omlette) or even going to the toilet. If I put and left him somewhere, he cried his heart out and started vomiting. Quite often he vomited also after eating – even that little bit I managed to entice in him. In our family we have a saying  that our earl Vladimir  eats only the quail yolk whipped with sugar at the light of candles and by accompaniment of bassoon. That is not an exaggeration because once after prolonged searching this was the only way we managed to get him eat at least something.

Even now when Vladimir is soon turning 4, he wakes up 5 to 15 times a night, he has twice tried unsuccessfully to start attending kindergarten (in an unfamiliar environment he cries and starts vomiting) and continues eating only self chosen food, mainly fresh vegetables and fruit. A number of parents with ordinary children have pointed out that I indulge the child too much. Somebody even gave me the book „The Small Tyrant” which I read but did not get any reasonable advice. I have persistantly tried to get out of the complicated situation – attended consultations with neurologists, psychologists, psychiatrists , taken Vladimir for psychological study and encephalography the results of which turned out to be expressly wrong. It enlarged the understanding of his worries but did not quite help in solving them. The only thing that gradually works in our favour is time.

What gives me strength to stick it out is the boy himself. Notwithstanding anything  he is sometimes smiling, merry and responsive. Though his weight is only 14 kg, he is strong and dexterous and his speach is very good. He loves us dearly, hugs us and says – I love you. Kārlis also helps and willingly fools about with his brother, and my daughters occasionally give me some free time and take the child to their place for the night. And for two years I have a husband who also helps (yes, really there are amazing men in the world who are ready to become mates and supporters to tired out mothers with six children!).

 An encouraging question struck me – where would this child be and how would he grow and develop if I had refused to take him? May be he would have shrunk into himself, become autistic, and who knows – whether he would still be alive; whether anybody in the children’s home  would have found strength and time to love and care for the child, at that time a frail being, as our family team was and is capable of?...

A foster child after he or she becomes legally free is offered for adoption to foster parents. If they refuse, the child is entered into adoption rolls. When Vladimir’s turn came, we could not even imagine to give him to other people. It would definitely cause psychological or even psychic trauma. Besides he is very endearing, and we feel him as our own close family member. He even sings in tune and says he wants to play violin...

And last but not the least – in a month we both, my husband and me, are going to become official parents to Miks. Lo and behold, here is another way how children come into families!

My own daughters were growing comparatively easily, fit well in society and at school they always were among the best, won the first places in competitions. Whereas for both boys traditional life path of ordinary children unexpectedly turned into a „difficult road in the dunes”. It has been necessary to contemplate on values of life and decide what are the most important features which are to be developed in a child. How to achieve that he or she, though academically weak and psychologically unfit in society, still reaches the ceiling of his/her personality and is happy? The higher education  provided by my children has demanded not only resistance to stereotypes of the society but also has extended my vision of life and has given unexpected freedom.

Freedom is very important for being happy. And the biggest happiness is to love – hoarfrosted mornings, flooded streets, a snivelling child and everything you do. Because then in difficulties there is easiness, and a failure is only the beginning of another way.

The interview is prepared within the framework of the project „Family Care – Safe Basis for Child Development”. The project is financially supported by Iceland, Liechtenstein an Norway.  The program is financed by financial instrument EEZ and Latvian state.